I wrote this during cancer recovery, but it applies to anyone navigating something hard , such as a health challenge, a major life transition, grief, burnout, or any season where you're just trying to get through. Reading it now, I might word some of it differently, but the core message still holds. If you've ever been on the receiving end of well-meaning advice you didn't ask for, this one's for you.
Dear Person That “Just Wants to Help,”
I noticed you pop up the other day on my social media comments when I was venting about how slow recovery can be and how annoying it is.
I wasn’t asking for advice, but you decided to mention anyway that I should be grateful I am here and alive.
I wanted to let you know that this comment didn't land the way you probably intended. My recovery is my recovery. And my feelings are my feelings.
I wish you had offered empathy instead, or simply listened.
Dear Person That “Just Wants to Help,”
You heard me mention the various medications I am on due to my cancer and related secondary issues from treatment.
I wasn’t asking for your advice, but you decided to mention anyway that I shouldn’t need any medications. You told me that your doctor told you that.
I wanted to let you know that this comment didn't land the way you probably intended. It felt dismissive of my situation. I've discussed different options at length with my own medical team, and we are not in the same situation. Care is individualistic.
I wish you had offered empathy instead, or simply listened.
Dear Person That “Just Wants to Help,”
You’ve seen my social media posts about the food journey I’ve been on. The beautifully plated dishes and the snacks I love.
I wasn’t asking for your advice, but you decided to mention that I should be eating all plant-based foods, that I eat too much, and that I really need to start on the fashion diet you’ve been on.
I wanted to let you know that this comment didn't land the way you probably intended. It felt like judgment rather than support. I work really hard to keep myself healthy, and my diet is a discussion between myself and my care team. I'll have ice cream if I want to.
I wish you had offered empathy instead, or simply listened.
Dear Person That “Just Wants to Help,”
You saw photos of me masking along with talking about how I cannot wait until it is safer for me to go on adventures again.
I wasn’t asking for advice, but you decided to mention that I should just accept that I’m going to get sick sooner or later and that I’m only hurting myself.
I wanted to let you know that this comment didn't land the way you probably intended. It felt dismissive of what I'm navigating. My mask doesn't harm you, and neither do my decisions on which activities I partake in. My mask is to protect myself and to protect others with weakened systems.
I wish you had offered empathy instead, or simply listened.
Dear Person That “Just Wants to Help,”
If you truly want to help, please only offer advice when it is solicited and welcomed.
If you truly want to help, please offer actionable support instead of asking me to do the legwork of thinking of what you can do.
If you truly want to help, understand that what works for one person may not work for another. The advice, routines, and solutions that feel obvious to you might not fit someone else's situation, body, or season of life. And that is okay.
To anyone who's been on the receiving end of well-meaning advice that didn't land: your feelings are valid. And to anyone who wants to show up better for the people in your life going through hard things: I hope this gives you something to think about.
Originally published April 2023. Updated April 2026 for clarity and broader applicability.
